?

Log in

Previous Entry

Well. Well. Well.

My dad passed away Thursday, January 13, 2011 @ 5:00p. He was pronounced @ 6:36p. He was 84.

Gonna miss him. I thought it would be just a normal day on the day he died. I believed that I would not be affected after taking care of him for 14 years. I thought I was ready for the announcement. Me, my brothers, and some of the grand kids had gone up to the Grand Rapids Veterans Home to see him on Tuesday after the call from Hospice came through telling us he had hours to days before the end came. So I knew that the end was near, yet when they called me and told me, I burst into tears. Huh.

I realized that I wasn't crying for him. I was crying for myself. Everyone I had taken care of was now gone. My mom in 2001 and now dad in 2011. I felt alone. Adrift. Knocked off my square. Left hanging on a precipice with my shirttail blowing in the winds of grief.

He's going to be cremated and put in the urn with mom. When I go I will be placed there as well. My brother and I took the time to reiterate our burial instructions. Mind stayed the same. When Jesus returns we will all be together, I thought. My brother wanted to be with us but his new wife nixed that idea. Her family has a plot for all of them and she wants him buried next to her. Still, even though he won't be joining me, the urn is big enough for others in the family should they wish. Is that morbid and gross?

Back to dad. The last time I saw him I was enthralled by the realization of how handsome he was. His skin was smooth. The nursing staff had given him a shave and a haircut. Still a lady-killer in the looks department.

He was sleeping because they were giving him morphine every hour for pain. He could no longer speak or swallow. His kidneys had failed, he was experiencing chest and abdominal pain. He didn't know me or anyone else there. My brother played the scriptures for him and that seemed to calm him, although I'm not sure that he could hear or understand it.

I kissed him on the cheek and ran my fingers through his soft white hair as I murmured my goodbyes and left. I didn't know I wouldn't see him again....Maybe, I did know that.

Before I left, we, the family, stood in a circle holding his hands to complete the circle and prayed that he would not suffer long. That was the reason we did not go with the feeding tube suggestion, after all. God answered that prayer quickly.

Its way too cold for a memorial service right now and those who would come are the children and grandchildren, and *our* friends. Most of dad's acquaintances are dead or in the same mental and physical state he just left. I was thinking that when the thaw comes in the Spring we could have a family type get-together, slash, celebration of dad's legacy, the end of an era, slash, bar-b-que, slash, potluck. We will get all the family around and do what we do best, play and laugh--laugh 'til we cry.

We will argue at our selves, and each other. Tell stories about the two Aces that are out of play, mom and dad. Marvel at the next generation of Jokers, running wild around our feet, argue the fact of who has been dealt most of life's straight flushes (we have some certified geniuses walking around doing nothing with their talents). And debating who has the best poker face when playing Scrabble.

I like that idea. I think mom and dad would like it too. Especially, if we keep laughing.

Tags:

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
obsessed1o1
Jan. 15th, 2011 12:16 pm (UTC)
Oh hun. I'm sorry to hear that. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time ((hugs))
space1traveler
Jan. 17th, 2011 01:39 am (UTC)
Thank you. I'm okay as I'll ever be.
aries_taurus
Jan. 15th, 2011 02:39 pm (UTC)
Hugs. Big hugs.

When my mother died, or rather just before, I was afraid my life was going to end, that I didn't know how to go on without her in my life.

And then, at just 64, she was gone. And I'm still standing 4 years later.

I still miss her, still miss talking to her and her insight. But she's there, watching me and over me.

Don't know if this makes any sense or helps or whatever.

Just... I know what grief is and we, the ones left on this earth, are the ones to feel the loss.

Aries
space1traveler
Jan. 17th, 2011 01:42 am (UTC)
Thank you. When I cried, I realized that I was crying for me and my loneliness. We will see them again one day. That keeps me sane. Thanks again.
goddess47
Jan. 15th, 2011 11:01 pm (UTC)
Awwww.... sweetie..... so sorry.....

Yes, laughter and love will always be welcome....
space1traveler
Jan. 17th, 2011 01:47 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for caring.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )